[This is a page from Dave Bird's xemu.demon.co.uk website, featuring his songs, singing clams, ASCII art, non existent colour sense and crap HTML. Enjoy!]

$CIENTOLOGY
Song-book

#01: The History of Man Song [''El Rotundo had some clams...'']
#02: ''Snap---Why do those Clams go Snap?''
#03: ''The Laughing Scientologist''
#04: ''The 12 days of Xmas (version#1)''
#05: ''They're Drowning my Doggie in the Poo-ul''
#06: ''Sea Org Clowns are Coimg to Town''
#07: ''In the Sea Org (you can wear your sailor suit)''
#08: ''I'm Davie the TidyBowl Man''
#09: ''Green Grow the Dollars, Oh!''

#01: The History of Man Song
(''El Rotundo had some clams...'')
tune is ''Old MacDonald Had a Farm''

In LRon Hubbard's book ''The Evolution of Man'', he states that we evolved from clams, gulping shellfish called ''BooHoos'', sloths that fell from trees, etc.

[O] LD Rotundo had some clams, As Ron says man evolved;
And they were on the path to man, As Ron says man evolved. With a...
SnapSnap here, SnapSnap there, here a Snap, there a Snap, everywhere a SnapSnap,
Old Rotundo had some clams, As Ron says man evolved.

Vs.2
Boo-HOOS and weepers next we were, As Ron says man evolved;
That gulped and sobbed and gasped for air, As Ron says man evolved. With a...
BooHoo here, BooHoo there, here a Boo, there a Boo, everywhere a BooHoo;
SnapSnap here, SnapSnap there, here a Snap, there a Snap, everywhere a SnapSnap;
Boo-HOOS and weepers next we were, As Ron says man evolved.

Vs.3
Then were Sloths that feel from trees, As Ron says man evolved;
And hung arse-upwards by their knees, As Ron says man evolved. With a...
WhoopsThud here, WhoopsThud there, here a Whoops, there a Whoops, everywhere a WhoopsThud;
BooHoo here, BooHoo there, here a Boo, there a Boo, everywhere a BooHoo;
SnapSnap here, SnapSnap there, here a Snap, there a Snap, everywhere a SnapSnap;
then were Sloths that feel from trees, As Ron says man evolved.



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Vs.4
Next Piltdown Man who had big teeth, As Ron says man evolved;
And with those teeth he ate his wife, As Ron says man evolved. With a...
ChompChomp here, ChompChomp there, here a Chomp, there a Chomp, everywhere a ChompChomp;
WhoopsThud here, WhoopsThud there, here a Whoops, there a Whoops, everywhere a WhoopsThud;
BooHoo here, BooHoo there, here a Boo, there a Boo, everywhere a BooHoo;
SnapSnap here, SnapSnap there, here a Snap, there a Snap, everywhere a SnapSnap;
Next Piltdown Man who had big teeth, As Ron says man evolved.

Vs.5
And now as Humans here we stand, As Ron says man evolved;
If this lot's true then I'll be damned, As Ron says man evolved. With a...
StuffThat here, StuffThat there, here a Stuff, there a Stuff, everywhere a StuffThat;
ChompChomp here, ChompChomp there, here a Chomp, there a Chomp, everywhere a ChompChomp;
WhoopsThud here, WhoopsThud there, here a Whoops, there a Whoops, everywhere a WhoopsThud;
BooHoo here, BooHoo there, here a Boo, there a Boo, everywhere a BooHoo;
SnapSnap here, SnapSnap there, here a Snap, there a Snap, everywhere a SnapSnap;
And now as Humans here we stand, AS RON SAYS....MAN E...VOLVED.

#02: ''Snap, Wwhy do those clams go Snap?''
tune is ''Boom, why does my Heart go....''
by Charles Trenais

Oh, Snap---why do those clams go Snap,  Snapitty SnapSnap snap, Snapitty snap,
on the seashore,  yoddom-de-dom,
Oh, Snap---why do those clams go Snap,  Snapitty SnapSnap snap, Snapitty snap,
on the seashore?

There's     boohhos-and      weepers-and 
            all-sorts-of     creatures-from
            which-Elron      says-we-e---------volved;
With        engram-from      seaweed,oh
            what-more-could  we-need,but
            O-Ts-that        give-us-a         cold?            

Oh, Snap((*)CLOMP!)why do those clams go Snap,  Snapitty SnapSnap snap, Snapitty snap,
on the seashore,  yoddom-de-dom,
Oh, Snap---why do those clams go Snap,  Snapitty SnapSnap snap, Snapitty snap,
on the seashore?

((*) snap heavily with hinged white toilet seat, dustbin lids, metal casserole
or whatever...or, failing that, make a snapping sign with thumb & forefinger)

  All-the little cults     have    their own tricks, like
  selling the Watchtow'r   for     Jehovah's wits:
     the Mormons morm      and     the Shakers shake;
     the Moonies moon      and     the Quakers quake, but...

....Snap---why do those clams go Snap,  Snapitty SnapSnap snap, Snapitty snap,
on the seashore,  yoddom-de-dom,
Oh, Snap---why do those clams go Snap,  Snapitty SnapSnap snap, Snapitty snap,
on the seashore?

Oh,         down-at-the      dem-o--please 
            tid-y--your      hair-do--and
            be-sure-to       straighten-your    tie;
There's     always--Sci------ay-nos----who
            like--tak-ing    pho-tos---to 
            make-sure-you're I-den-ti----fied!            
            
Oh, Snap(click(*))why do those clams go Snap,  Snapitty SnapSnap snap, Snapitty snap,
with a camera,  yoddom-de-dom,
Oh, Snap---why do those clams go Snap,  Snapitty SnapSnap snap, Snapitty snap,
ON......THE.........SEA----SHORE?   yoddom-de-doddom-de-DOM (BOM!)

((*)) make a round shuttersnapping guesture with thumb and forefinger
in front of your eye -- and don't forget to start singing this verse again
EVERY TIME clams start taking snaps of you).

#03: ''The Laughing Scientologist''
tune is The Laughing Policeman,
by Charles Penrose

knew a man called Hubbard, who wrote some hack Sci-Fi,
A tubby little redhaired man with-a-scheme for me to try;
He vowed to make me Theta Clear and sell me some blue sky,
But when he said that we evolved from clams, I LAUGHED UNTIL I CRIED:
BWAAAAAAAAA--A-HARR-HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HAR,
WOOOH HOO-HOO-HOO HO-HO-HO-HO A-HA-HA-HA HAR,
AAAAWH--A-HA-HA-HA HA-HA-HA-HA HARR,
WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO HO-HO-HO-HO HA-HA-HA-HA-HARR!

[H] e told me of volcanoes, and a guy called Ecks--Ee--Moo,
Then he emptied out my piggy bank and took my wallet too;
I said to get these O-T-Powers just what then do I do?
He said you go and think your thoughts at MONKEYS IN THE ZOO:
BWAAAAAAAAA--A-HARR-HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HAR,
WOOOH HOO-HOO-HOO HO-HO-HO-HO A-HA-HA-HA HAR,
AAAAWH--A-HA-HA-HA HA-HA-HA-HA HARR,
WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO HO-HO-HO-HO HA-HA-HA-HA-HARR!

[S] o-if-you see a Sci-en-tol-o-gist, a walking down the street,
Who's got a little questionaire he thinks is really neat;
Just fill it in at random and don't fall for his deciet,
Then sign your name as X*E*M*U and he'll BEAT A QUICK RETREAT:
BWAAAAAAAAA--A-HARR-HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HAR,
WOOOH HOO-HOO-HOO HO-HO-HO-HO A-HA-HA-HA HAR,
AAAAWH--A-HA-HA-HA HA-HA-HA-HA HARR,
WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO HO-HO-HO-HO HA-HA-HA-HA-HARR!
(again:)
BWAAAAAAAAA--A-HARR-HA-HA HA-HA HA-HA HAR,
WOOOH HOO-HOO-HOO HO-HO-HO-HO A-HA-HA-HA HAR,
AAAAWH--A-HA-HA-HA HA-HA-HA-HA HARR,
WOO-HOO-HOO-HOO HO-HO-HO-HO HA-HA-HA-HA-HARR!

#04: Scientology's ''12 days of Xmas'' (version#1)
tune is the 12 days of Xmas with apologies to various earlier versions on the same idea

      On the first day of Christmas, Sci-en-tol-o-gy gave me,
I.    a dog drowned in a garden pool.
            ....................
      On the twelfth day of Chrismas, Sci-en-tol-o-gy gave me,
XII.  twelve cults   a--suing,
XI.   eleven lawyers    lying,
X.    ten    Milnes  a--burbling,
IX.   nine   clams   a--snapping,
IIX.  eight  boohoos    weeping,
VII.  seven  dwarves a--wheezing,
VI.   six    threats from Kobrin,
V.    FIVE   PACKS OF ''KOOLS'',
IV.   four   private eyes,
III.  FREE---loader debt,
II.   two    soup cans, and  [12th Time rallentando]
I     ...a...DOG....DROWNED......IN A....GARDEN...POOL !!!!

THEN CHANT:  **    **     **   **     **   **       **     **
             Woof Woof   Glug Glug   Who Drowned theJUDGes Dog?
             Woof Woof   Glug Glug   Who Drowned theJUDGes Dog?   
             Woof Woof   Glug Glug   Who Drowned theJUDGes Dog?   
             Woof Woof................................   
[PAUSE]
             Lennie Liebowitz!
               With his fat ass!!
                 In the Garden Pool !!!

[and segue into  ''they're Drowning my Doggie in the Poo-ul'']

#05: They're Drowning my Doggie in the Poo-ul
tune is ''How Much is ths Doggie in the Window''


    They're ... drowning my doggie in the poo-ul,  (WOOF--glug!)
       those clams with the slimy white trail;
    He's ... under the waves all but his tai-ul:
       I do hope that doggie can swim.         
                    
(1) Judge...Swearinger had a faithful collie,
       and Duke was that little dog's name,
    but when He crossed the clams and found for Wollie,
       to Swearinger's house those clams came.

    They're ... drowning my doggie in the poo-ul,  (WOOF--glug!)
       those clams with the slimy white trail;
    He's ... under the waves all but his tai-ul:
       I do hope that doggie can swim.               
                    
(2) Len Liebowitz crept into the garden,
      while Clarice kept watch from their car,
    He push poor old Duke into the pool, and
      sat On him till he breathed no more.  Oh....
[tune breaks into
''WALKIN' THE DOG]        Drownin' the dog
                  yes--a--Drownin' the dog
                  All the clams are doin' it:
                          Drownin' the dog!

    They're ... drowning my doggie in the poo-ul,  (WOOF--glug!)
       those clams with the slimy white trail;
    He's ... under the waves all but his tai-ul:
       I do hope that doggie can swim.
                  
(3) so if Ever you cross the cult of clambots,
       be sure your dog has water wings;
    And should they come creeping round your garden
       a rotweiler is just the thing!

    They're ... drowning my doggie in the poo-ul,  (WOOF--glug!)
       those clams with the slimy white trail;
    He's ... under the waves all but his tai-ul:
       I do hope that doggie can swim.    Oh.....
                   
[tune breaks into
''DOWN BY THE STATION'']
                       Down by the Judge's house, very late at night,
                         Clarice and Lenny, hiding out of sight.
                       Over the garden wall, sit on doggie so:
                         WOOF WOOF, GLUG GLUG, HERE WE GO!


                                            |~/           |~/
~~|;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;'^';-._.-;||';-._.-;'^';||_.-;'^'0-|~~
P |      Woof Woof, Glug Glug               ||____________||      0  | P
O |   Who Drowned the Judge's Dog?          | . . . . . . . '----. 0 | O
O | answers on alt.religion.scientology *---|_______________  @__o0  | O
L |___&_http://www.xemu.demon.co.uk_________________________|/_______| L
        /clam/faq/woofglug.html

#06: Sea Org Clowns are Coing to Town
tune, ''Santa Clause is coming to Town''

You'd better not fail,    you'd better not age,
You'd better not catch    D.M. in a rage:
  Sea-Org Clowns are coming to Town
They're making a list     and checking it twice
Who's bringing in dosh    whose making their price
  Sea Org Clowns are coming to Town       
       They'll  wear their spiffy uniforms
       And strut around the ''Org''
       They'll put you on the R--P--F
       So make Cash....for CashFlow's sake!!   
You'd better not fail,    you'd better not age,
You'd better not catch    D.M. in a rage:
  Sea-Org Clowns are coming to Town.

                   -oOo-

You'd better watch out,   you'd better beware,
You'd better produce      don't talk about ''fair'':
  Sea-Org Clowns are coming to Town.
They're checking for dust,they're checking your cuffs,
Who's been a good slave   while earning peaNUTS:
  Sea Org Clowns are coming to Town.       
       They'll  wear their spiffy uniforms
       And strut around the ''Org''
       They'll put you on the R--P--F
       So make Cash....for CashFlow's sake!!   
You'd better watch out,   you'd better beware,
You'd better produce      don't talk about ''fair'':
  Sea-Org Clowns are coming to Town.

#07: In the Sea Org (you can wear your sailor suit...)
tune is Village People's ''In The Nay-Vee''

(one) IN THE SEA ORG.......You can wear your Sailor Suit!
      IN THE SEA ORG.......You can think you're really cute!  
      IN THE SEA ORG.......Make the Poodle lot's of loot!   
      IN THE SEA ORG.......But when you're old you get the boot.  
IN THE SEA ORG.......Write for ''FREEDOM'' magazine!
IN THE SEA ORG.......Be a Hitler in your teens!  
IN THE SEA ORG.......Then you learn what hardship means!   
IN THE SEA ORG.......When they feed you rice and beans.  

(two) IN THE SEA ORG.......You can lie for O.S.A.!
      IN THE SEA ORG.......Make the ClassFour's pay and pay!  
      IN THE SEA ORG.......Till thet wish you'd go away!   
      IN THE SEA ORG.......Oh but you'll get yours one day.  
IN THE SEA ORG.......Treat the SP's to Fair Game!
IN THE SEA ORG.......You can have no sense of shame!  
IN THE SEA ORG.......One day they'll catch you just the same!   
IN THE SEA ORG.......Then just who will get the blame?  

 [all point at nearest visible uniformed SeaOrg-er:]
    They want you!  They want you! They want you for a new recruit!
    They want you!  They want you! They want you to make them some loot!

IN...THE...  (first time:  repeat ONE only, noy TWO) 
             (second time: )  SEA....ORG.....
[Tune becomes:
''A LIFE ON THE OCEAN WAVE'']
                            Oh, a, life as a Sea Org slave
                             is worse than going to sea
                            You can stuff your rice and beans
                             this cult is no place to be!   
 Oh, the, commodore is dead, and, the Poodle's there instead,
 Pat Broeker's under-a con--crete pile, coz the Poodle is cracked in the head,
                            Oh, a, life as a Sea Org slave
                             is worse than going to sea
                            You can stuff your rice and beans
                             this cult is no place to be!

#08: Davie the TidyBowl Man
Tune, ''Popeye the Sailor Man''

diminutive cult leader DAVID MISCAVIDGE , in his tiny white SeaOrg sailorsuit, is often called the TIDY BOWL MAN .... after an American TV ad where a little cartoon chap in a white sailor suit rows a rowing-boat round the inside of a toilet bowl, advertising TIDY BOWL toilet cleaner.


I'm Davie the TidyBowl man,  
   I row round your toilet pan:
I'm cute and minute, 
in my white sailor suit,
  I'm Davie the TidyBowl man!

I'm Davie the TidyBowl man,  
   the judges eat out of my hand:
And if we're not winnin', 
his dog we'll take swimmin',
  I'm Davie the TidyBowl man---POOP!POOP!


POO--DLE! (tune: HOUND DOG! as sung by Elvis)

You ain't nuthin' but a a poo-dle   yappin' all night long
You ain't nuthin' but a a poo-dle   yappin' all night long
Yes ya got body thaytans and you   
      ain't no friend of minNeNeNe-NeNeNe NeNeNe-NeNeNe-Nah!
  They said you was high class   you're only four foot one
  They said you was high class   you're only four foot one
  Yes ya got body thaytans and you   
      ain't no friend of minNeNeNe-NeNeNe NeNeNe-NeNeNe-Nah!

They call you Lawn ORN'ment  which means a garden gnome
They call you Lawn ORN'ment  which means a garden gnome
Yes ya got body thaytans and you   
      ain't no friend of minNeNeNe-NeNeNe NeNeNe-NeNeNe-Nah!
  They said you never audit  coz ev'ry read is A rock-slam
  They said you never audit  coz ev'ry read is A rock-slam
  Yes ya got body thaytans and you   
      ain't no friend of minNeNeNe-NeNeNe NeNeNe-NeNeNe-Nah!

You ain't nuthin' but a a poo-dle   yappin' all night long
You ain't nuthin' but a a poo-dle   yappin' all night long
Yes ya got body thaytans and you   
      ain't no friend of minNeNeNe-NeNeNe NeNeNe-NeNeNe-Nah!
  They said you was high class   you're only four foot one
  They said you was high calss   you're only four foot one
  Yes ya got body thaytans and you   
      ain't no friend of minNeNeNe-NeNeNe NeNeNe-NeNeNe-Nah, BaaaDAAAAM!

#09: The O.T.Levels Song
(''Green Grow the Dollars, Oh...'')
tune is ''Green Grow the Rushes, Oh''

I'll sing you One, oh,  
   Green Grow the dollars, Oh --- 
   What is your One, Oh?               
      O-T-1 is Spot the Dog and ever more shall be so. 

          ..............

I'll sing you eight-oh
   Green grow the dollars-oh
   What is your eight-oh?                 
[TUNE CHANGES TO]
IIX   Jesus loves the little children, all the little children of the world,
      Be they yellow black or white, he has  ** got them in his sights **
      Jesus loves the the little children of the world.
[CHANGE BACK TO]                                
VII   Seven  is a trip down to the zoo, and
VI    Six    is dreaming round the globe;
V     Five   is this material world, and
IV    Four   is bugs that have been on drugs;
III   Three, Three, is Xemu's history,
II    Two, Two, the Whiteblack Sphere, Laughter/Calm and Dancing Mob,
I     O-T-1  is Spot the Dog and ever more shall be so.

This song refers to the secret inner levels of $cientology, known as the OT [Operating Thetan] levels, and gives a sarcastic description of each. OT1 rundown consists of "Spot a Being", but Spot sounds more like a dog to me.
OT2 consists of various weird past life incidents some of which are named here.
OT3 is the story of how galactic tyrant brought has surplus population to earth and nuked them, their spirits becoming human spirits and many other parasitic spirits [BTs or ''bugs''] which have to be exorcised from out bodies.
OT4 is about ''bugs'' stunned by our past use of medical and recreational drugs.
OT5---scientists tried to explain the material world in their puny way, but a Phat Phraud zonked on speed had a superior insight which will end its hold over your thinking. OT6---you can wander free of your body to other lands: pay an astral visit to a friend in a neighbouring state, and he will send you a postcard.
OT7---expand your relations with other lifeforms. The notorious six lines of paragraph 48 urge you to communicate telepathically with plants and trees until you feel they have understood you, then go down to the zoo and think your thoughts at the animals until you hear them thinking stuff back at you.
OT8 is disputed. There is a purported copy of the background bulletin in which Hubbard claims to be the AntiChrist [and says Jesus was a bad-tempered paedophile], and of a rundown which claims that by contemplating our relation with god we will realise Hubbard is god....presumably both cannot be true simultaneously.

$CIENTOLOGYSong-book

#01: The History of Man Song (''El Rotundo had some clams...'') tune is ''Old MacDonald Had a Farm''

#02: ''Snap, Wwhy do those clams go Snap?'' tune is ''Boom, why does my Heart go....''by Charles Trenais

#03: ''The Laughing Scientologist'' tune is The Laughing Policeman, by Charles Penrose

#04: Scientology's ''12 days of Xmas'' (version#1)tune is the 12 days of Xmas with apologies to various earlier versions on the same idea

#05: They're Drowning my Doggie in the Poo-ul tune is ''How Much is ths Doggie in the Window''

#06: Sea Org Clowns are Coing to Town tune, ''Santa Clause is coming to Town''

#07: In the Sea Org (you can wear your sailor suit...) tune is Village People's ''In The Nay-Vee''

#08: Davie the TidyBowl Man Tune, ''Popeye the Sailor Man''